The days are short and I wrote me my last rhyme.

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Sometimes I will rediscover (or discover, I suppose) a song (or songs) and they will hit at the perfect time and I will be in the perfect mood which will kind of set off a chain reaction inside me and I will want nothing but to listen to that (or those) song(s). Said perfect mood will then resonate and be carried with the songs that are playing at that moment and whenever I listen for a long while after, I can recall how I felt that evening or that one night when I really needed that song. This doesn’t happen very often, but often enough for me to recognize when it does happen and enough for me to be excited to be in that state and overjoyed to be able to experience that regardless. It’s rare and it almost only happens in the evening/late at night/early morning, but I’ll take it any time it comes. I think it has to do with being relaxed and calm.

Breaking Bad. Wow. 6 episodes left. So damn good. Am in the middle of rewatching it all and the second time through I am enjoying the characters so much more this time around for some reason. I guess just picking up on more subtleties. It’s winding down, bitch.

I put all my movies in an excel spreadsheet and assigned them a random number, then organized them by said random number. Now when I can’t decide what to watch, I open that up and go through that list. This will save time and allow me to refamiliarize myself with my collection and watch stuff I might not necessarily feel like, but may feel differently once it starts. It’s a solution. Maybe not the one I’m looking for, but one for the time being.

Not much going on otherwise. Taking sometime off in September, not much though, not enough to get completely lost, just enough to clear my head.

"What matters most is how well you walk through fire."

"What we see before us is just one tiny part of the world. We get into the habit of thinking, this is the world, but that's not true at all. The real world is a much darker and deeper place than this, and much of it is occupied by jellyfish and things." - Haruki Murakami



Ampersand had her first vet visit and she seemed to not mind it much.

I've been sleeping like shit recently. It's making me zapped of all energy. I don't like it much. I get lazy and sleepy, but then am unable to actually fall asleep. This cycle needs to be broken.

I am trying to get rid of some of my stuff. I went through about a quarter of my closet and threw some shit away. I want to finish that now and have the urge to, but just am so damn tired. Maybe that's why I'm kind of despondent recently.

I started working out again. Let's see if I can lose the little bit of weight I gained back and a bit more. That's the goal.

Going to see Palms on Saturday.



Played through The Last of Us and it has quickly become one of my favorite games. Fantastic through and through. Looking forward to playing through it again. Next up, Bioshock: Infinite.





Off to lay in bed and eventually fall asleep...feeling like Oh Dae-Su.

Can I borrow your eyes?

This year is already half over. As slow as time feels, it sure is passing with great speed.

I'm starting to film a movie with my friend later this week. I think it will mainly be a slight trainwreck and not turn that great. I've tried to help make some changes and talk to him about certain aspects of the script that are pretty awful, but as of yet, it's going forward with little change. It's his baby though so I'll help him out. It will be an experience to say the least.

I've started watching Six Feet Under all over again. I feel comfortable when this show is on. There's something about the characters and their universe that I feel like I'm very slightly a part of and it's calming. It also occupies my brain and I can just zone out to it.



Watching Game of Thrones makes me want to travel to places all over the world. I would probably be slightly let down due to the fact of how no one would be dressed in rad outfits and there aren't tales of dragons or vicious kings to be weary of, but I still think I'd be OK with that. Speaking of which, I'm trying to get in gear with reading more. I want to, it's just something I have to make a conscious effort to do till I get in the habit of doing so again. There are a good handful of things I need to get in the habit of doing again. I've fallen in a funk and need to get out of it. Not sure how to do that yet, but I'll figure it out. My default feeling is something like not quite content. It's like having an itch I can't scratch. It's frustrating and I get frustrated that I'm frustrated.



I went and visited my mom this last week. I really enjoyed it. I love getting out of town and getting away. I spent some time by myself (nothing new there) walking around Auburn which was nice, and even the drive to and from which is a little over 2 hours each way, always is pleasant. I usually don't do much when I go up there, but it just feels like a completely different state when I'm there.

I'm tired. Work today was easily one of my least favorite days there. I should really start actively looking for a career type job.

Got my own theme music, it plays wherever I are.

I'm burning bridges.

I destroy the mirage.

Visions of collisions.

Fuckin' bon voyage.

I'm on a mission to wipe imagination clean.

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I feel like my brain has been has been put through a dryer or something. Not sure if this was the sickness that encompassed me for a long while, longer than usual, or a culmination of everything else. Or both.  Either way, here’s a new entry. Not much is new for the most part.

Went to rat136’s show opening at Zerofriends last Saturday. There were 136 pieces all involving his trademark rat character. It was a fun time, I met some really nice people, and ate some tasty food.  The attention to detail in his pieces blows me away and instantly makes me want to create. His work can be seen and purchased here.

If you live near Oakland, I can’t recommend enough checking out this show.

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Next week, Daniel and I are going to LA (hopefully…will cement this outing soon) to check out the Stanley Kubrick gallery at the LAMC. I’ve seen pictures from others who have gone and am really looking forward to seeing props and what not from his films in person. We plan on leaving in the early AM, getting there in the early afternoon, checking it out, maybe getting some food, then driving on back that night. It’s nothing I haven’t done before, but should be interesting none the less.

The following day, I’m seeing Sigur Ros in SF, which is exciting since they will be playing new material, and have a 14-piece orchestra with them and a unique light show. They mentioned this being a one-time thing and that they won’t be touring with a crew like this again…so it sounds special. We’ll see.   

Finally, the night after that, I have tickets to see How to Destroy Angels (with DIIV opening!) which is going to be all kinds of rad. The band is working with the same company that help put on NIN’s Lights in the Sky tour which, when it came around here, I was lucky enough to catch because it instantly because one of my favorite shows I’ve ever seen. The elaborate stage set-ups and the inclusion of lights and screens with the music itself was phenomenal and nothing like I’ve ever seen. Rob Sheridan of HTDA mentioned something along the lines of the show would be just as much a visual show as it will be an audible one. 

@><@

Everything is normal. No one is happy.

I’m still congested. It’s been weeks now. I will call the doctor in the morning, but it’s more annoying than anything.  I’m not sure if it’s more annoying because I feel like I have more annoyances currently, or if those current annoyances are more annoying than usual because of my annoyingly annoying congestion? Either way I’m taking one or two on in my head at a time and trying to ignore the rest.

While I feel like I have less people in my life than ever before, I feel like I have no problem burning bridges. I feel more obliged to do so because I’m tired of most people and the nonsense that comes along with them. I’m sure it’s not all them, but I don’t really care at this point. Maybe once I get uncongested I will care and I will want to try harder or whatever, but I doubt it.

I’m excited for the new Alkaline Trio. I’ve heard 4 or 5 tracks from it and can’t wait to check out the rest. There are a few other albums I’m looking forward to getting my hands on, but this one is most immediate. 

The Newsroom is one of the best shows on TV now. Just finished the first season and the writing is brilliant on so many levels. I can’t recommend it enough.

Words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head.

I hate being sick. I guess that is kind of stupid to say because who actually likes being sick? When I am home sick time feels like time is stretched or moving at half speed. Sounds seem distant for the most part and feeling well is nothing but a thought or rather a wish that won't come true soon enough. Ampersand has been keeping me company. It's like she knows I feel like shit and she wants to change that. She does even if it's momentarily. Best fucking cat ever.

You should have saved me. You should have saved all of us.

Watching Shutter Island again. Spoilers follow at some point I'm sure. I've seen this movie a good number of times. It's a comfort movie. Visually, it's so rewarding to watch. That is probably the number one reason I watch it as much as I do. A lot of the films that I consider comfort movies are visually striking and have a unique vision, have a distinct look, which obviously has to do with the director, so it doesn't surprise me then that these films come from some of my favorite directors.



The flashbacks in Shutter Island are just stunning. Whenever the scenes in DiCaprio's apartment come on I have to just sit and watch. The colors are bright and vibrant, the ash snowing down in the room commands catches my attention, the music is emotional and engaging (not to mention the rest of the soundtrack and score...just so fucking great), and a handful of dreamlike qualities catapult this scene to probably my favorite moment in the film. I love the way, when the apartment is on fire behind him, that some of the fire is burning normally and some is running in reverse. Small things like that add so much I feel. It's like someone who has their eyebrows shaved off, you can tell something is off, but can't necessarily put your finger on it.

The WWII flashbacks are pretty to look at as well. The colors seem a bit muted, yet still brighter and the action seemed like a refreshing pause from the drama back at Ashecliff. Maybe that's because I'm a fan of films about WWII or because it was more interesting to me than a missing patient, but either way, it was a welcomed back story to the film. That being said, the film's "twist" ending was pretty damn predictable as soon as it was set up. Almost everyone I've talked to about this film says something along the lines of "Yeah, I've seen it. It was so predictable", and yeah, that twist was. Sitting in the theater, at the reveal, I was pretty let down...up until the last scene with DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo on the stoop. DiCaprio's last line in the film's final moments is what turned me around. It put everything we just witnessed on its head and asks us to view it in a completely different light.



Overall, it's because of all these reasons that I can watch this film over and over and not get tired of it. It can be on in the background or I can sit and focus and get sucked in just like the first time I saw it. It's not necessarily a movie I'd recommend to everyone, not because I don't think they'd like it or enjoy it, but because I don't think it's anything that hasn't been seen before or is particularly special. It's just something I saw at the right time and it clicked with me.

The following movies have saved my sanity a number of times. Not specifically because of their story or any one thing, but the movie as a whole. Whether it be the mood, the tone, the over abundance of dialogue to keep my mind occupied and away from my own internal thoughts, or a combination of any of these, I have watched (or not watched and fallen asleep to) these films more than any other (with a few exceptions I'm sure).

Top 10 comfort movies (in no order):
10. Shutter Island
9. The Prestige
8. Goonies
7. The Breakfast Club
6. E.T.
5. Sunshine
4. The Social Network
3. 25th Hour
2. Point Break
1. The Departed

Exchange a dream and share some fear.

I'm half awake as I write this (or half asleep...I can never tell), so excuse incoherent ramblings and/or spelling/grammar errors.

It's a shitty feeling when you return to work from your weekend and the weekend felt like it never happened. Maybe it said "just kidding". Maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe it did happen, but that is all that happened. Time passed and nothing else.

I've started to read more recently, started to get back into it. There's something about creating images of people and places in your head to keep the mind occupied. Getting to know characters that you love and hate at the same time is interesting. It's frustrating to a point, but not enough to make me stop reading. It's not that I even dislike getting to know characters that make me feel this way. Maybe that's how I know the writing is really good, or these characters are well thought and fleshed out. Maybe it's just their actions and reactions that get to me in both a good and bad way. Maybe I'm just indecisive and can't side with them one way or the other.

I love being introduced to new music. So much of it. All enjoyable. @><@

Captain Midnight is worn out. I think I need some sun, not too much though.

cutting boards and hanging hooks

This whole sleep thing is foreign to me.

Exchanging facts about impacts.

and it seemed weird that two were close at the same time. The odds must be off the charts.

There's no proper system.

Watched Total Recall again for the first time in a while. That film still holds up. Even though a lot of the clothes and hair scream early 90's, most of the effects and the action are better than the majority of action/sci-fi films being made now. Also, the pacing is pretty tight and there's not a lot of bullshit.



Rained today. That was nice. It felt for a moment that I was in a different time. Not the past or future, but certainly not the present. The weather just made me feel like this morning was out of sequence and I was ok with that. It was nice.

Picked up the pace on reading. Finished On Writing by Stephen King which I found really interesting and informative. I don't write novels or stories, but it pointed out some things that I will keep an eye out while reading. Also came across a new short Chuck Palahniuk story called Phoenix which I really enjoyed. I liked it more than his past few books. I am looking forward to reading the re-release of Invisible Monsters.

Been listening to the same 3 CDs for the past week or so and really am enjoying them. A variety of artists and a variety of feelings.

I'm sitting here and Ampersand is literally right behind my head conked out and I can hear her breathing. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever. She sounds so peaceful. I wonder if she's dreaming at the moment. I bet she is and it consists of scratching the shit out of me...but lovingly so.

I feel like I should get rid of some things in my room. I feel like they just sit here unused, but I don't know what I would fill the space up with. Maybe nothing. Maybe I don't really care. I think I should build a tower for Ampersand because she would dig it. Then she could sleep up in the tower and dream her violent dreams. I wish I would remember my dreams more. The colors from my dreams, the people. It would be nice if that would happen more often. I like the lack of continuity in dreams, especially when

Just a whitewash

Just finished this...



Really enjoyed it. Just a great story of these guys starting out as kids and growing as human beings, not to mention groundbreaking athletes. Check it out.



Now falling asleep to Zodiac with David Fincher commentary. He has a calming voice and a lot to say so the sound of the actual film don't come in and out of the commentary. It's all Fincher talking about this and that, but it's an interesting "this" and "that". It's like an audible benadryl.

Find a Thread to Pull And We Can Watch It Unravel

It's 4:05am and I can not sleep for the life of me. I've been rolling around as if I was in the dryer trying to find those positions of comfort. I found some cold spots on my pillow, but no real comfort. I'm sure it's not helping that Ampersand's new favorite thing is sleeping on the side of my head or as close as possible which includes laying on my shoulder with her feet firmly planted for warmth (?) on my neck. Went to listen to music to lull me to sleep but was greeted with a dead iPod. When I plugged it in, my computer told me I had to restore it before continuing, which means everything will get wiped clean. This happened not too long ago, so there wasn't too much on there, but still....very annoying.

I wish my mind would be like a dead iPod so I could just fall asleep, then wake up and reload whatever was previously there. Most of it anyway. Leave some stuff in the gutter. Guess I will try and sleep again, but I just don't see it happening anytime soon.


Oh and I have a fist in my throat.

So then there's this...

Not sure if I mentioned it in a previous blog or not, but I started (in late December) to capture a second of video footage every day for a year. I backed an app on kickstarter and it can now be purchased. It's called "1 Second Everyday". It's fun and it will hopefully remind me of moments through the year that are worth remembering. I enjoy it. I've already forgotten twice, so I hope that doesn't happen again. I'll share it after a month maybe...well I guess that would be tomorrow. Maybe at the end of this month, I'll post it.

I like making lists.

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Movies watched so far in 2013: 

The Grey

Raising Cain

Zero Dark Thirty

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Bully

Beasts of the Southern Wild

Searching for Sugar Man 

The Sound of My Voice

Dredd 

Hunger

Elite Squad 2

Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 1

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 2

50 films I've never seen that I want to watch this year (That are already out...)

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1.      West of Memphis

2.      Wreck-it Ralph

3.      The Skin I Live in

4.      The Last Circus

5.      C.H.U.D.

6.      The Boy With a Bike

7.      I Am Love

8.     Dead Snow

9.     John Dies At the End

10.  Sophie Scholl

11.  Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down

12.  Sin Nombre

13.  A Separation

14.  Midnight in Paris

15.  Paranorman

16.  Oslo, August 31^st

17.  Nobody Knows

18.  I Declare War

19.  Dark Horse

20.  Jules and Jim

21.  In the Mood For Love

22.  Lust, Caution

23.  My Best Friend

24.  Law of Desire

25.  Grave of the Fireflies

26.  Dark Crystal

27.  Rust and Bone

28.  The Loneliest Planet

29.  In Darkness

30.  Persona

31.  Room 237

32.  Tokyo

33.  From Beyond

34.  Les Diaboliques

35.  Withnail and I

36.  Dinner with Andre

37.  Mondo Cane

38.  Sunset Limited

39.  Look at Me

40.  Liquid Sky

41.  Z

42.  Reds

43.  Arbitrage

44.  Che

45.  Beginners

46.  The Sessions

47.  How To Survive a Plague

48.  Take This Waltz

49.  The Deep Blue Sea

50.  The Man With the Iron Fists

This is what boredom does I guess. Oh, and I plan to read more. Quicksand is tomorrow. This makes me happy. Not feeling too much of that these days. Always looking for more music. Recommendations? Leave a comment.

We're the neglected, the never resurrected, agonies of the few...

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 ...We're the once kissed, unmissed and always refused.

Made it to another year. A lot has changed since this time last year and makes me wonder how much will change between this time next year. Kind of wish I could fast forward till then.  It’s cold out. It will probably rain shortly. I’m ok with that, but I wish I didn’t have to go anywhere. I feel like I need a day to clear my head. It feels overly crowded…like there’s not enough room for me.

Going to see Quicksand in a little over two weeks. First show in a little bit. Should be fun, especially since they were broken up for a long while.

I tried watching Lincoln the other day and I didn’t get a chance to finish it. I will, and it seems like it will be a good movie, but it just felt like I was watching Abraham Lincoln working with actors. There is an obvious gap in acting that takes me away from the film, which makes it hard for me to pay attention for some reason. Maybe it was the time I watched it or whatever, but I suppose I should finish it and then make any sort of decision. 

I guess if I had to choose at this moment my top ten for the year would be (in no particular order): Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Zero Dark Thirty (Jessica Chastain kills it), Cabin in the Woods, The Grey, Amour, Moonrise Kingdom, Holy Motors, Looper, and The Raid: Redemption. I haven’t seen Lincoln (all of it anyway) or The Hobbit (that will change by next week I’m sure) or a handful of others I wanted to check out so…there’s that.

So if you get anything from this worthless internet mumbo jumbo, let it be movie recommendations. Amour especially.