Words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head.

I hate being sick. I guess that is kind of stupid to say because who actually likes being sick? When I am home sick time feels like time is stretched or moving at half speed. Sounds seem distant for the most part and feeling well is nothing but a thought or rather a wish that won't come true soon enough. Ampersand has been keeping me company. It's like she knows I feel like shit and she wants to change that. She does even if it's momentarily. Best fucking cat ever.

You should have saved me. You should have saved all of us.

Watching Shutter Island again. Spoilers follow at some point I'm sure. I've seen this movie a good number of times. It's a comfort movie. Visually, it's so rewarding to watch. That is probably the number one reason I watch it as much as I do. A lot of the films that I consider comfort movies are visually striking and have a unique vision, have a distinct look, which obviously has to do with the director, so it doesn't surprise me then that these films come from some of my favorite directors.



The flashbacks in Shutter Island are just stunning. Whenever the scenes in DiCaprio's apartment come on I have to just sit and watch. The colors are bright and vibrant, the ash snowing down in the room commands catches my attention, the music is emotional and engaging (not to mention the rest of the soundtrack and score...just so fucking great), and a handful of dreamlike qualities catapult this scene to probably my favorite moment in the film. I love the way, when the apartment is on fire behind him, that some of the fire is burning normally and some is running in reverse. Small things like that add so much I feel. It's like someone who has their eyebrows shaved off, you can tell something is off, but can't necessarily put your finger on it.

The WWII flashbacks are pretty to look at as well. The colors seem a bit muted, yet still brighter and the action seemed like a refreshing pause from the drama back at Ashecliff. Maybe that's because I'm a fan of films about WWII or because it was more interesting to me than a missing patient, but either way, it was a welcomed back story to the film. That being said, the film's "twist" ending was pretty damn predictable as soon as it was set up. Almost everyone I've talked to about this film says something along the lines of "Yeah, I've seen it. It was so predictable", and yeah, that twist was. Sitting in the theater, at the reveal, I was pretty let down...up until the last scene with DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo on the stoop. DiCaprio's last line in the film's final moments is what turned me around. It put everything we just witnessed on its head and asks us to view it in a completely different light.



Overall, it's because of all these reasons that I can watch this film over and over and not get tired of it. It can be on in the background or I can sit and focus and get sucked in just like the first time I saw it. It's not necessarily a movie I'd recommend to everyone, not because I don't think they'd like it or enjoy it, but because I don't think it's anything that hasn't been seen before or is particularly special. It's just something I saw at the right time and it clicked with me.

The following movies have saved my sanity a number of times. Not specifically because of their story or any one thing, but the movie as a whole. Whether it be the mood, the tone, the over abundance of dialogue to keep my mind occupied and away from my own internal thoughts, or a combination of any of these, I have watched (or not watched and fallen asleep to) these films more than any other (with a few exceptions I'm sure).

Top 10 comfort movies (in no order):
10. Shutter Island
9. The Prestige
8. Goonies
7. The Breakfast Club
6. E.T.
5. Sunshine
4. The Social Network
3. 25th Hour
2. Point Break
1. The Departed

Exchange a dream and share some fear.

I'm half awake as I write this (or half asleep...I can never tell), so excuse incoherent ramblings and/or spelling/grammar errors.

It's a shitty feeling when you return to work from your weekend and the weekend felt like it never happened. Maybe it said "just kidding". Maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe it did happen, but that is all that happened. Time passed and nothing else.

I've started to read more recently, started to get back into it. There's something about creating images of people and places in your head to keep the mind occupied. Getting to know characters that you love and hate at the same time is interesting. It's frustrating to a point, but not enough to make me stop reading. It's not that I even dislike getting to know characters that make me feel this way. Maybe that's how I know the writing is really good, or these characters are well thought and fleshed out. Maybe it's just their actions and reactions that get to me in both a good and bad way. Maybe I'm just indecisive and can't side with them one way or the other.

I love being introduced to new music. So much of it. All enjoyable. @><@

Captain Midnight is worn out. I think I need some sun, not too much though.

cutting boards and hanging hooks

This whole sleep thing is foreign to me.

Exchanging facts about impacts.

and it seemed weird that two were close at the same time. The odds must be off the charts.

There's no proper system.

Watched Total Recall again for the first time in a while. That film still holds up. Even though a lot of the clothes and hair scream early 90's, most of the effects and the action are better than the majority of action/sci-fi films being made now. Also, the pacing is pretty tight and there's not a lot of bullshit.



Rained today. That was nice. It felt for a moment that I was in a different time. Not the past or future, but certainly not the present. The weather just made me feel like this morning was out of sequence and I was ok with that. It was nice.

Picked up the pace on reading. Finished On Writing by Stephen King which I found really interesting and informative. I don't write novels or stories, but it pointed out some things that I will keep an eye out while reading. Also came across a new short Chuck Palahniuk story called Phoenix which I really enjoyed. I liked it more than his past few books. I am looking forward to reading the re-release of Invisible Monsters.

Been listening to the same 3 CDs for the past week or so and really am enjoying them. A variety of artists and a variety of feelings.

I'm sitting here and Ampersand is literally right behind my head conked out and I can hear her breathing. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever. She sounds so peaceful. I wonder if she's dreaming at the moment. I bet she is and it consists of scratching the shit out of me...but lovingly so.

I feel like I should get rid of some things in my room. I feel like they just sit here unused, but I don't know what I would fill the space up with. Maybe nothing. Maybe I don't really care. I think I should build a tower for Ampersand because she would dig it. Then she could sleep up in the tower and dream her violent dreams. I wish I would remember my dreams more. The colors from my dreams, the people. It would be nice if that would happen more often. I like the lack of continuity in dreams, especially when

Just a whitewash

Just finished this...



Really enjoyed it. Just a great story of these guys starting out as kids and growing as human beings, not to mention groundbreaking athletes. Check it out.



Now falling asleep to Zodiac with David Fincher commentary. He has a calming voice and a lot to say so the sound of the actual film don't come in and out of the commentary. It's all Fincher talking about this and that, but it's an interesting "this" and "that". It's like an audible benadryl.

Find a Thread to Pull And We Can Watch It Unravel

It's 4:05am and I can not sleep for the life of me. I've been rolling around as if I was in the dryer trying to find those positions of comfort. I found some cold spots on my pillow, but no real comfort. I'm sure it's not helping that Ampersand's new favorite thing is sleeping on the side of my head or as close as possible which includes laying on my shoulder with her feet firmly planted for warmth (?) on my neck. Went to listen to music to lull me to sleep but was greeted with a dead iPod. When I plugged it in, my computer told me I had to restore it before continuing, which means everything will get wiped clean. This happened not too long ago, so there wasn't too much on there, but still....very annoying.

I wish my mind would be like a dead iPod so I could just fall asleep, then wake up and reload whatever was previously there. Most of it anyway. Leave some stuff in the gutter. Guess I will try and sleep again, but I just don't see it happening anytime soon.


Oh and I have a fist in my throat.